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Definitely Me

You know what’s difficult about being in grad school for therapy? With each class you take, you question whether or not you have the disorder you’re learning about.

My Lifespan and Development class was a minefield of emotions. I often found myself grieving my childhood and saying (sometimes aloud), “Well, fuck. That’s why I’m like that.”

Right now I’m taking a class on addictions and substances. It’s the first time I don’t think I have every single disorder I’m reading about but has given me a more concrete scope of just how frequently I’m surrounded by people with addiction and substance issues.

I say that without any judgment, but more with the empathy that it seems like a lot of people are in pain around me.

Here It Begins

Sparky Snakeden (who I called Dan or Danny) was the first friend I made when I moved to LA nearly 10 years ago. My co-worker, Alex , and I didn’t know anyone, and so the three of us spent a lot of time together as we were the first Grooby office employees to settle in.

We didn’t become close friends immediately, but with time he became part of my life in such a way that I couldn’t imagine it without him. Alex and I would carpool together to work, pick up Dan at the dairy store across the street from his old apartment, and head to the office together. We’d coordinate leaving together generally via IM at the end of the day. Repeat. And Repeat. We’d play pranks on each other in the office. We’d drink beer in the break room at 1pm while watching a movie and eating lunch together. We’d laugh about stupid shit.

I don’t know when Dan and I earned the nickname of PB+J, but I’m glad it’s something that has stuck (har, har). I think it happened after my boss commented about how we’re always together and maybe it was Dan himself who suggested we were like PB+J. I remember one year I bought us PB+J pins to wear for the TEAs. Sigh – I will always miss the quiet and sweet way he used to tell me, “love you, jelly.”

This always made me smile – I think it’s important to tell people you love them (partners, family, friends, etc) as often as possible. Even when you think you’re going to say it too many times, you’re not. Always say it.

He was my wingman at countless work events – we even traveled together to Toronto to attend a show where we knew everyone was pissed off at us hahaha. He was my rock at the TEAs each year, reminding me not to stress about the small things.

I was honored to be he and ToÑo Watters’ witness when they got married last year. I brought them cute little boutonnieres to wear and was humbled by how happy they were together that day. I remember they gave me a cute little snack bag of Oreos that said “Thank You” on the front as a token of appreciation. I remember how easy they made it all look – find your soulmate, fall in love, get married, drink mimosas at 2pm to celebrate.

There is a PB-shaped hole in my heart that will never be filled exactly, but I find comfort in how I can fill it with the memories we created together throughout the years.

I miss you so much, my friend. I hope you are having a wonderful adventure right now out there in the universe.